My Favorite Farm

As a little girl I hated change.  I think I actually cried when my parents got a new refrigerator because I liked how things were and didn't want anything unexpected or new. I was comfortable, I was safe, I was happy.  I think I have spent the majority of my life with this mentality.  Doing what I was comfortable with.  Not ruffling any feathers.  Not upsetting anyone.  Too aware of how different I felt.  I was doing what was expected., not necessarily what was true to myself. I went to college and got a degree despite having no clear idea of who I was or what I wanted for my future.   My wonderful parents were super supportive and would say "that's okay, sometimes just knowing what you don't want will help narrow you down to what you do want"  I would get quiet thinking of the huge list of what I didn't want.  I didn't want to work in an office, I didn't want to work nine to five.  I didn't want to spend my life in a cubicle where no one knew the real me.  Where the majority of my life would be spent telling people about my weekend plans, or literally counting down the hours until I could leave.  When I graduated I briefly ended up in this exact situation.  I met lovely people, however they all seemed to accept their fate: work is work and this was the way it was.  I would cry everyday before work and during lunch.  I wrote a text saying that I could feel my soul dying and it was true.  Everyday I felt more helpless, more a part of a system that I knew I didn't belong in.  It took courage, and I'll admit a courage I didn't have on my own.  My support system at the time was the rock I needed, the nudge that got me on a new path.  Something I will forever be grateful for. It hasn't been easy. Dear lord I have had my ups and many downs.  My path has been unclear and scary.  I have had many phone conversations with my mom about how I wished for a piece of solid ground to set even one foot to rest, about how terrified I was of my unknown future, about how jealous I was of others who seemed to have everything figured out and were on what seemed like a clear path while I was lost in fog stumbling over obstacles.  I am just beginning to accept my setbacks and disappointments as growing and learning experiences.  As stepping stones towards my future.   A future that has changed and changed again.  This is something that still terrifies me, but I am no longer crippled by my fear.  I am not sure what all my future holds, but I do know that I'm getting there. Little by little, I'm growing food on land that I love.  I am working in all weather conditions in the outdoors.  I am learning about what it takes to care for the animals, the unexpected responsibilities and events that come up on a daily basis on a farm.  I learned to slow down and notice the subtle changes around me.  To appreciate the little things and celebrate the victories no matter how small.  I am comfortable and in my element with what I refer to as the "Charlie work" on the farm.  The gross tasks that I don't even see as gross anymore, just part of the life I've made.  I strive to show others the beauty I see around me; in the land, in the animals, in my work.  I hope that if others learn to love and appreciate them as I do then there is hope for a better future. A future that is conscious about what they nourish their bodies with, how the animals we have relationships with are treated, and how the land is taken care of for the future.  I hope that I can change, change for the better a little bit at a time, and help other people change as well.  I am a far cry from the little girl who sat in the new refrigerator box pouting, I use to be scared of change, but now I realize that it is actually the only thing that is constant.